My Dearest Oscar

To the Man I love and I choose to let go..

I love you more than words.. more than would expect.. More than is humanly possible. More than you love me, because I am not afraid to fall into that. To fall into you!

Falling for you was one of the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

It’s so messy, what happened between us. Meeting you at the first time.. I knew that I can’t fall for you but it did. All of the nuance necessary for a decent explanation could never fit in this letter. We both made mistakes, most of them unintentional. We both let our worst beliefs about ourselves get in the way. I pushed you away without meaning to and eventually, you returned the favor.

You also push me away by giving me red flags what a woman would noticed. You truly showed me how difficult you are in some ways. Yet, I’d always be there for you. I’d always cared for you… but during those times, my heart just gave up on you.

It was the hardest and the worse feeling.. my heart felt numb and cold as ice.

Although, I always care… and I think that is my problem. I cared too much. There is a saying, “Good people are like candles; they burn themselves up to give others light.”

Despite all the arguments, fights and misunderstanding… I always want to be your favorite place to go, favorite person to call when you’ve had a bad day or a good day.

I trusted you like no one else.

For innumerable reasons, I didn’t know how to say it. I am also terrified because losing you is the hardest. Feeling like a stoking anxieties and deep–seated insecurities I’d long buried. I was waiting for irrefutable proof that you chose me — you chose to be with me. It makes sense that you didn’t. I imagine you felt like you had asked explicitly but to me, your ask sounded like a warning shot I’d heard before.

Truth be told, you weren’t ready for it, either. Men who are ready don’t date women who advertise themselves by saying, “Calm down, I’m not gonna fall in love with you. I don’t want to be with anyone!” But then again, I don’t think either of us thought we were going to find something worthy of being ready for.

I adored you, utterly and without reservation. I do not know if you feel the same way.

Eventually, there came a point where it became clear to me that insisting on holding on to you was doing us both more harm than good, that it was turning what had been the loveliest thing into something far too laborious, and I knew I had to let go. I can’t believe that I waited for almost 4 years and not dating or seeing anyone. Therefore, I had to stop loving you.. and believe me, this is the hardest thing I would ever do.

I’m sorry that it ended this way, but I’m grateful for the lessons I learned in the ending. It pushed me toward growth and healing, toward doing the work I’d never before found a reason to do. Caring for you the way I did showed me the places in myself that hadn’t yet healed, the broken pieces of my heart, the cracks made me more fragile than I’d allowed anyone, especially myself, to believe. And I’m filling them now because you made me believe how to fall in love again.

I learned so much from you and the dilemma of us. It broke my heart open in all the best and worst ways. I’m a better human because of you and the sh*t we accidentally put each other through, and the moments of incredible tenderness you showed me.

Thank you for everything and for all the goodness that you showed during those times. Most of all, thank you for letting me love you.

Always,

April Mae (Me)

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