I’m gonna get very, very personal today. I’ve been writing and pondering for this for a while now. You’ve heard about some of my past mistakes and how I healed. You know my take on relationships and what it takes to have a successful relationship. It’s one thing to recall a time from the past, it’s another to take you to that place. What I mean is sometimes when I describe the way I used to be with men, it doesn’t feel like I’m talking about myself. It feels like I’m describing someone I used to know, or maybe a scene from a movie. It’s weird to think that this was my life, and that I really did used to be so clueless, and at time, pathetic when it came to love. I was organizing my documents in the computer the other day and I came across an old stories from my mid-20’s years. I was very on and off with my journals. I usually didn’t write about things until they came to a breaking point. I stumbled upon one entry, written when I was 28, and I almost felt like I was right back in that place. I also had this curious desire to break through the pages and give my former self a good old talking to! Instead of dishing out advice in this blog, I want to do something different and share that diary excerpt. I’m going to hold back on commenting on certain areas (I’ll just boldface the pieces you should pay attention to!). I want you to read it and see if you find yourself in there. Maybe this resonates with who you used to be.
Or maybe it speaks to who you are now. See if you can spot my faulty lines of thinking and if you can put that into the context of my failed relationships.
Alright, here it is.
Date: March 18, 2013.
I’m confused again. Here’s what I know. I know the world considers me to be relatively “attractive.” I know people consider my body a “good one.” I know I’m fun. I know I talk a lot. But I don’t know why these thoughts keep fluctuating in my mind. Why is it I turn into a needy nutcase whenever I begin even the slightest relationship with a guy? Why is it I can honestly believe I’m a kick ass girl with a great personality to thinking I’m just an annoying pain in the ass the next? Why do I need reassurance every minute of the damn day? I hate being so needy. I hate being so utterly dependent upon what other people think of me. Why am I obsessed with being the shining light in everyone’s life? Why do I need every guy I meet to fall hopelessly in love with me even when the feelings aren’t reciprocated? I’m happy and so blessed and fortunate. I just know from experience that I tend to screw up almost all my relationships. I’m past the age of these stupid games. I mean, is it OK to casually hook up with guys? How far can you go? When is it slutty? How do you turn a hook up into a real relationship? Is this person just a hookup, or is this how a relationship starts? I just feel scattered. Life decisions are impossible to make. Part of me wants to think I should always be myself and people can take it or leave it. While the other part thinks me being “myself” is causing me more harm than good. When and why and under what circumstances should you compromise yourself?
Should I because a lot of guys think I’m plain crazy? Is it true? I also need to stop relying so heavily on others to establish my sense of self. But if not for other people and perspectives, how can one ever come to terms with one’s identity? Isn’t who I am based largely on how others view me? How can we accurately and objectively define ourselves? I don’t think that’s possible. Any concept of who we are is formed as a result of continuous affirmations.
Maybe the loophole to all this would be to be myself and not care about the outside. People will hate you. It isn’t possible to be loved by everyone. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has a different opinion. Life can’t revolve around one person. I just need to learn how to take it slow, be in control, and not get so carried away with guys. Let’s see if I can actually take my own advice for a change.
Hope you enjoyed! 🙂
“If you always put limit on everything you do, physical or anything else. It will spread into your work and into your life. There is no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.”