A Story of A Beautiful Disaster

I will tell you the story. My story is about my depression to bliss. A story of a beautiful disaster. I haven’t told many. But I’m doing this because I would like to show you my scars. And how it made me.

IMG_5314

I fell in love with a man named, Michael (“Michel”) Van Teeffelen. I loved him so much. I never wanted to let go. Ever. Love is a beautiful thing. When you make a commitment to a relationship, you invest your attention and energy in it more profoundly because you now experience ownership of that relationship. When we loved, we loved with all our hearts, when we fought we fought will all our demons. A year ago, we broke up. I was shocked and it was unexpected. He told me, “he wants to have fun and date around. He wants to have it all! He said, that I am a settling down type of a woman.” That moment, I was crushed into pieces. I couldn’t breathe.. That was the time that I couldn’t make it and I broke down. Then one day, I tried to kill myself. I was willing to end everything. I do not know where to start. I lost interest of my health, I partied all the time. I didn’t care what anybody thinks. I started drinking a lot and eating unhealthy. I cry a lot. I’d always cry about the smallest things. I feel a lot. I wonder a lot. I get nightmares a lot. The feeling.. someone just died!

I’ve been profoundly emotional, self-destructed and damage.

My mind is always thinking like a roller coaster and feeling a little deeper than others. Everything is pulsating, as if it was connected to my own veins. Everything is just gray. You feel gray. You see gray.

Apologizing does not always mean that you are wrong and the other person is right. It just means that I value the relationship more than his ego. I know I’m not a perfect friend nor a perfect person. I’ve tried to mend. Instead I made him hurt or give him pain. When I attempted to kill myself. My thoughts saying… “Maybe would it be better if the pain go away. I hope he forgive me that I broke his trust. I hope he forgive me for loving him and for wanting to be with him. I never lie nor cheat. I hope he forgive me for everything.” Back then, all I think about is how to make him happy and how to work things out. My mind is like a recording tape. Playing over and over again!

I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I agreed to voluntarily seek a professional help. I stayed in rehab for 3 days. I went for my own good. Sometime it’s okay to admit that we also need help.  It is better to consult for help to have a healthy mentality. It doesn’t mean you are crazy! You just need to be reminded that “your life is more important”. In every darkness there is light. Life throws challenges and every challenges it may seem hard to get to it but you can do it, just keep towards to it and you’ll find the positive side of things.

When you look at yourself and reflect yourself to others. You started asking, “Why.. I am suffering? What the hell I am doing…?”

Before you can live a part of you has to die. You have to LET GO…

You have to let go of what could have been, how you should have acted and what you wish you would have said differently. You have to accept that you can’t change the past experiences, opinions of others at the moment in time or outcomes from their choices or yours. When you finally recognize that the truth then you will understand the true meaning of forgiveness of yourself and others. From this point you will finally be free.

You MUST accept all the hurt. You must learn how to endure and embrace the pain. I know it’s not easy but it will make you stronger. You must also learn how to empower yourself. That way, no one will ever try to put you down. We all been through worse. No one is alone. Life is full of disappointments, without it… We will never learn from the wrong to right.


“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths”.

– Elisabeth Kubler- Ross


What I have learned from this relationship?

 Mike was yet another classic case of the type of a guy I just couldn’t seem to resist. He was charming, charismatic, confident, fun, and always slightly beyond my grasp. He also had some deep-rooted emotional problems to deal with and some major commitment issues. He is the type of guy I refer to as “damage case”, a guy who has a lot of potential hidden under a pile of issues. Damage case are like a pair of super sexy shoes that are brutally uncomfortable. When you at them they are amazing- they’re beautiful, sexy, and you have to have them. But when you wear them you’re in agony. Then you take them off and experience euphoric relief, the most incredible feeling. But this feeling doesn’t come from gaining something positive, it comes from removing something negative- pain. This experience is the same thing as unavailable guys.

They seem to be everything you want, so enticing you can’t resist them. But when you have them, you just feel pain and discomfort. Your stomach is in knots as you wait for the next text, or for a sign that he truly cares. Then he gives you some sort of indication that he does, you’re so ecstatic; you feel a RUSH of euphoria. But then he pulls back again and you’re back in those unbearable shoes. Then he comes back, and relief. And on and on it goes.

As months go by…

I realized I didn’t want to be on this roller coaster ride anymore and I decided to wear a comfortable pair of shoes that gave me the support I needed and a steady feeling of ease was much better than a sporadic shocking jolt of relief. Mike was the catalyst for this realization. It had been a while since I had chased after a damage case, and I thought I had nipped that problem in the bud until he came along and got me all twisted like a pretzel. I was devastating on many levels, especially to my ego! I mean, I was supposed to know better at this point.

After a series of letdowns, of high hopes and thinking would be different followed by crushing disappointment and feeling like a fool for once again thinking the same story would have been different ending, I made a resolution to end this cycle for good, to make a lasting change that would lead me to the kind of love and relationship that I really wanted.

Once I saw the situation for what it was, it lost all appeal to me. Instead of feeling sorry for myself because I couldn’t get him to commit in the way I wanted, I felt sorry for him for having so many issues, issues that prevented him from committing to a great woman he had right in front of him. (No hard feelings though). But I can’t help but to laugh to myself when I think about all the inner turmoil he caused.

If… Mike was very honest and very open to me? I wouldn’t be doubting or digging the truth. I wouldn’t be acting that way. I don’t read people’s mind. If he would tell me the truth about how he feels.. I would possibly understand him. I’d rather get hurt knowing the truth than finding the puzzle like it’s a game.

The reason I share this story is because I hope you can take same path I did to a similar kind of happiness. You can be happy with or without anyone! Remember, damage cases are a waste. Wanting a guy who doesn’t want you is a tragedy. Time is a precious thing to waste, so get to work and undo the faulty wiring that leads you to the guys who can’t appreciate you.

Sometimes the love you lose makes you understand its existence because you realize it wasn’t love that you lost, it was a person. And maybe what we fail to understand is how love can never really be lost, and even when we think it is, we can remember it, and we can go back to it in our minds and think about how we felt when that love was more than just a memory.

Some love is worth remembering because of how it made us feel, because of how it built us and broke us, and how all of that destruction made us learn something about ourselves. And it’s fascinating to see how we continued to live after we thought that love was gone.

But we thought wrong because we shouldn’t look at love as something that can be lost and found, but as a feeling that makes us feel alive when we have it. When we think love is lost we can only hope that we will find it again. And sometimes we go searching for love but instead we find ourselves.

Of course, it all depends on each individual ex-couple, and whether or not the each person feels able to look at the other as a friend rather than a person that hurt them. If you’ve broken up with somebody and the end has caused arguments, anger and you are boiling over with pure hatred towards that other person, then friendship isn’t going to happen. If you’ve broken up with somebody with the intention of keeping them in your life but not in a romantic way, then friendship could be on the cards. However that friendship is probably not going to be instantaneous – you both need to adjust to life without that other person being there for you all the time. 

There’s a reason why we were together and a reason why we broke up. But the fact that we were together in the first place means something – we got on really well, and there was no reason why we couldn’t but the trust has been broken. We have even reached an awesome point of our friendship where we are both genuinely happy for each other.

When you meet someone, whether it’s going to be just friendship or a sexy relationship, you can tell whether they are your sort of person or not. You know whether you would feel comfortable telling them your aspirations, if you would enjoy having a drink or eleven with them, or if you could imagine laughing so much with them that one of you farts (yes, that did happen, and no, it wasn’t me who farted). My ex was a good man (from the beginning), but when the true colors have shown; he wasn’t the one for me.

I admit, I made a mistakes too. I went crazy from digging and knowing the truth. It does hurts like hell! But, there is a lesson. I’ve learned to let the person speaks up for themselves whenever they feel comfortable. And, if they’re not. I should have let it go and don’t sweat the little things. I should have move on and let him go from the first place instead hurting each other. You can’t love someone when the trust is already broken. A relationship should have a mutual feeling of trust, understanding and respect. 

I’m not personally growing as a result of the relationship. You should be in a relationship that will contribute to your growth as an individual- a relationship that is positive for you (mostly, at least), not negative. I only feel his love and support during the good times. When you are happy or excited about something, it is only natural to feel like the people around you and support you. But what about when you’re “down the bumps” or have a severe case of the blues? Do you still feel like your significant other is there for you? If not, then there’s a reason why you feel that way: he doesn’t love you as much as he used to. So if you discover that relationship starts to stunt your advancement and growth as an individual, consider the possibility that the relationship really isn’t doing anything for you. Don’t love someone with pity just because “you don’t want to hurt them or you feel obligated… or you are holding on for something”. There is a reason for a second chance if there is a potential for a good long term relationship. And, there is a reason why we broke up unexpectedly; the purpose to let go and move on to something better.

I thank Mike for leaving me. I thank him for pushing me away. I thank him for giving me all the heartache, hurt and all the pain. I wouldn’t be who I am if it wasn’t for that. It made me strong, and it pushes me so hard to do something better. He push me away to go back to school! Better myself and chase my dreams. With all the pain, I survived and I made a transition from slow progress to being accomplish at something! 

More than anything else, the patch that leads to lasting love involves making yourself a vessel to receive love. If you only want guys who can’t want you back then you are blocked, so make a decision, right here and now, to push yourself to break free and clear away all the obstacles preventing you from getting what you truly want.

Having family and true friends around helps look out for my best interest. I think that is one of the main reasons I made the transition from the breakup and residing from USA to Philippines. Family around helps keep you reminded of your goals. It also reminds you of where you came from because some people forget and can get lost. It’s a great balance and they always look out for what’s best.

To survive, you’ve got to wheedling your way. You can’t just sit there and fight against odds when it’s not going to work. You have to turn a corner, dig a hole, go through a tunnel and find a way to keep moving.

Healing takes time. Starting over is the key. It doesn’t mean you failed but you are letting yourself to create something new, the better version of YOU and looking forward to what’s coming next!

You need to discover who you are, honor yourself and begin following your heart. When you align with your true self, you are then instantly in the vibration of meeting your true love- a lasting life partner.

I focused on my passion and what I love the most. I went back to school. I became a member of an aesthetic fitness bodybuilding. The gym became my salvation and therapy. My mind became the clearest whenever I workout. I seek adventure a lot. I have learned to become more patient and have a better understanding toward others. I’ve learned to simply appreciate the little things in life.

I can’t believe that I made it through. I was fragile. It was a blessing in disguise. From all the pain and wasting time! But as I sit here right now, writing my blog, alive and thankful. I am a survivor and stronger that I have ever been. With that I can be completely dauntless and open.

I let myself fall in love with the beauty of life. I let myself fall in love with nature. I let myself fall in love with strangers. I let myself fall in love with their humanity.


“When the door closes, another door opens.”

-Alexander Graham Bell


Sometimes it’s the mistakes or pain that turn out to be the best parts of life..

My life is just getting started❤️☺️

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.