Whether to stay single or go if a relationship is making you unhappy?
As for me, you need to identify the source of your unhappiness. Specifically, is it the result of something specific he does in the relationship, or is it a manifestation of some deeper issue within you?
I often say that the right relationship is effortless. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t come with some degree of difficulty, though. By effortless, we mean that you don’t stress out and worry about how he feels and where it’s going.. things just unfold organically without analyzing man who treats you right, difficulties will emerge.
Even though he is amazing guy… you don’t have to think twice or doubt his actions.
It isn’t always easy to form a union with someone else, because that person has been shaped by a whole different set of experiences than you. He may have certain ways of coping and processing the world that are completely counter to your own. This is definitely the case in my relationship, and at first it was bit of a challenge to relate to one another easily.
Personally speaking, I’m not a very emotional person. I am more cerebral, and I need to intellectualize everything. This was a result of my feelings being crushed one too many times during my developmental years; after certain amount of pain, my subconscious decided feelings were dangerous and they got switched off.
This has served me well in some ways. It has protected me during some very dark and painful times, and it has enhanced my power of reasoning and rational thinking, giving me deeper understanding of human nature. This is why I am able to write about relationships for a living and understand them on so many levels.
I’m not a robot. I do feel emotions very deeply. I used to feel constantly feeling things and sentimental. In my past relationships, I have discovered that being so attached or detached isn’t helping me. You got to find balance. At times it is even preventing me from reaching the level of depth and understanding with my past boyfriend that is necessary to create a lasting emotional connection. I wish I could just flip the switch and turn my emotions back on, but it isn’t that easy. My defenses have been in place for a very long time, and this can’t just be undone.
My past boyfriend wants me to be more emotionally connected, but he understands why I operate the way I do and he can appreciate that. He also know that I am committed too working on this. I am working on releasing my fears, working on my doubts, on realizing it is OK to be vulnerable ( and that it’s actually a strength, not a weakness), and on showing my true self. I am working on giving myself permission to feel. It is a slow and sometimes difficult process, but I’m committed to it only because I want to be able to connect deeper in a way with him, but because I know this will serve me in many other positive ways in my life.
At first a part of me thought “he should just take me as I am. I’m not an emotional person, and that’s that!”, but then I realized that “the way I am” is a product of a lot of pain and hurt. This isn’t the way I am at my core… the way I truly am is the way I was before I created these defense mechanisms and started putting up walls to shut people out when i felt threatened.
The way I am wants to trust people and open up and feel safe expressing my feelings… but the way I have become hasn’t been able to do those things in a very long time. The way I have become is always protective mode, constantly on the lookout for an oncoming threat. The way I’ve become pushes feelings to the side in favor of thoughts, because facts make sense and feelings don’t… and thus, feelings aren’t safe.
The way I’ve become is afraid of feeling pain, so I avoid feelings altogether. None of this was done consciously; it developed over time and now it’s time to undo it. But it takes time. It takes work. It takes a deep recognition that while my “wall” has helped me in many ways and protected me, it’s time for it to come down now because it’s no longer of service.
Breaking down the wall isn’t easy thing. It would have been way easier for me to just let go of the relationship and continue to live life behind my protective shield. But just because something is easy doesn’t mean it’s best. I had things to work through, demons to confront, and it wasn’t always pleasant.
I am single, or chasing after emotionally unavailable men. Well… I used to chase men. Life just felt easier because my baggage wasn’t relevant. Issues with trust and intimacy don’t really become relevant until you’re in a loving relationship, because a loving relationship can’t exist without either of those key ingredients.
A healthy relationships combines love, trust and loyalty. You can’t love someone if you’re not faithful physically. When you love someone, physical and mentally should be both faithful. Not the other way around!
I didn’t give up, though. Instead, I worked myself to get to a place of better understanding and communication, and have become better, healthier version of ME. The relationship has been incredibly healing and almost therapeutic for me, but that is only because I put in the necessary work on my end to get to a place where I could receive that kind of love and support from someone else ( my family and friends). And that, a self-respect as well.
It isn’t easy for me to write about such close and personal topics, but I do it in the hope that it might help or inspire you in some way.
One day, we will meet a person who will love us unconditionally and accept us for who we are 100%. Whether you’re rich, poor, ugly or attractive.
As for now, it’s okay to stay single. There is no need to rush in finding someone to love and share your life with. Take your time to heal. Learn to love yourself and find your own happiness. Learn to be a whole again. Complete yourself first. It’s okay to put your walls up but do not guard it too high. It’s okay to be protective. It’s a self-respect.
Sometimes it’s not about moving on, it’s just taking a break from everything, and concentrating on yourself, because at the end; who’s there? YOU. Sometimes you need a break from the shred to enjoy the little things.
Today is the best time for a change. A new change to create something better, something different. Do something that you never done in your life such as making a bucket-list, travel around the world, anything that will lead you to a positive way of life. Be a good role model and an inspiration to others. Always take care of yourself, give thanks and share your blessings.
Remember, it’s up to you to decide. You either choose to be happy or choose to be miserable. You can learn to walk away or learn how to deal with it and face it. Your life is yours to make, not by someone.
If you aren’t happy being single, you won’t be happy being with someone else. Happiness comes from within. Learn to be positive and be happy with or without someone.
Hope this was helpful. 🙂
“We write for the same reason that we walk, talk, climb mountains or swim the oceans- because we can. We have some impulse within us that makes us want to explain ourselves to other human beings. That’s why we paint, that’s why we dare to love someone- because we have the impulse to explain who we are.”
– Maya Angelou