A lot of questions surrounding the “friend zone”, usually from women who are trying to break out of it and get into the relationship zone.
The “friend zone” thus is a situation where one individual (90% of the times the individual is a guy) in a friendship develops romantic feelings for the other. From henceforth the friend who has developed feelings is called the lover and the object of his affections is called the beloved.
The lover would have gotten to a point of wanting more from the friendship. He wants to be more than friends, yet many a time the beloved is oblivious or unaware of the romantic feelings of the lover thus the term “stuck in the “friend zone’”.
The “friend zone” refers to a situation where there is a mismatch in romantic feelings between two individuals. For example, sometimes this is a sexual attraction mismatch, where one person is interested in romance while the other wants to “just be friends”. At other times, the friends are already sexually involved (i.e. friends-with-benefits), but there is a commitment mismatch, where only one person wants a “relationship” as a committed girlfriend or boyfriend.
It’s been said that one of life’s hardest things is to metamorphose from being just a friend into more than a friend.
Of all the relationship issues out there, I think this is one is the easiest to address.
First, I will say I relate to the confusion. Several months ago a good friend of mine asked me out and I thought it would be good for me to tell him “we’re just friends”. Let’s get one thing straight here, the “friend zone” hurts! I crushed his feelings when he found out told a friend of mine (who had suggested he ask me out because he also thought it was a good time) that he didn’t want to date me because he has good friends with some of my good friends and didn’t want things to get “weird”.
In reality, I wasn’t ready to date anyone and I was at that stage of healing from my past relationship.
If he dated me, at the right time and wait… there would be zero weirdness. I made a point of letting him know that I don’t want to ruin our friendship or hurt him because I don’t see him like that or didn’t want to do anything about dating. I took every opportunity that presented itself to let him know that dating me carries zero weirdness. I also went on this pathetic quest to prove to him how great we would be together, took every opportunity that presented itself to highlight how much we have in common and how similar we are. (I can’t help but shudder when thinking back at how pathetic it all was!)
The point is, I made a mistake that a lot of women or men make this uses old “I don’t want to ruin the friendship” excuse. We take the fact and believe that if ruining the friendship was a non issue, then he/she would ask us out and we’d live happily ever after.
I’m not saying you can’t ever get out of the friend zone with a guy or a girl, it is possible in some cases, but I am saying it’s a waste of time to put all your time and energy into trying. It’s a waste to tally up the signs to figure out if he/she likes you more than a friend and all that because… NO guy or a girl is ever genuinely concerned with ruining the friendship! If they really likes you, the last thought that will cross their mind is fear of ruining the friendship. I have posed this question to countless men and the answer is always the same: no man is ever worried about ruining the friendship with a girl he likes… vice versa!
If they tell you that this is the reason for not wanting to date you, they probably is just trying to spare your feelings because the real reasons is most likely that they enjoys hanging out with you, he/she doesn’t feel enough of a romantic attraction to want to take things further. This doesn’t change even if you and that person have hooked up. All that means is he/she is somewhat attracted to you, but again, not enough to want to date you because if it did, it would.
Now there is maybe only one other reason why a guy who you’re friends with might like and not ask you out. The only time this is ever really the case is if he’s afraid of being “rejected”.
Most men are terrified of rejection and would rather not try as opposed to try and risk of being rejected. Getting around this one is easy enough though, just indicate that you are interested in him. You don’t need to be obvious about it, just give him something to go on, anything that lets him know that he will no be rejected if he tries to ask you out. If he knows that you are interested and won’t reject him and he has feelings for you, he will pursue you. There won’t be any talk of ruining the friendship or any of that. It goes against a man’s nature to see an opportunity to get something he wants and then not take it.
What if you show him you’re interested and he reciprocates, but then tells you he can’t be in a relationship right now? Well the answer is “forget it”. If what you want is a relationship then it be a waste to spend time on someone who can’t or won’t give you that. In these cases, nothing you can do will talk him out of it so it’s best to just stay “friends” and continue exploring your options. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Now I’ve given you some basic rules, but of course, there are always a few exceptions. Maybe he/she was burned in the past? Maybe he/she isn’t attracted enough, maybe it’s the wrong time.
Okay, now let’s review:
- No man or women is ever afraid of ruining the friendship.
- Plotting ways to get out of the friend zone is a waste of time and will leave you with nothing but shameful memories.
- The primary reason a guy might like you and not ask you out is if he’s afraid of being rejected. All you need to do is demonstrate a small level of interest so he knows he won’t be rejected and humiliated if he asks you out.
I wrote this blog because I’ve lost a good friend. He was always there for me… We’ve friends for years and I didn’t give him a chance or an opportunity just to go out for a date. Hence, it wasn’t my fault either because I was heart broken. I wasn’t ready to date anyone. I was trying to cope up from everything and heal. They say, there is a 3-4 months rule before you start dating the person you really want. I made a clear conversation with him that I wasn’t ready and I don’t feel that way… I broke his heart but I would rather be truthful to him than lead him on and make myself a fool. In the meantime, I thought our friendship would remain the same… I never heard from him. He never talk to me since that day. Our friendship became so distant. I’ve learned the hard way, you can’t be friends with someone who you really like… Because you want something more than just a friend. Even though how much you really care for that person. If someone wants more from you and you can’t give… there is no way you can be with someone that won’t give you anything. I know it sucks but that’s real life!
I would have date him… If he waited me to heal and moved on. If he is patient and have a better understanding.
It’s mighty painful to love at all, the greatest pain of all is to love in vain.
A person can’t claim to know true hurt if they haven’t experienced the pain of loving someone whose affections lie elsewhere. Yet for those in the “friend zone” this experience happens all the time.
“Some love comes like the wind off the sea, while others grow slowly from the seeds of friendship and kindness.”
My best advice for this… Be true to yourself. Be honest and be open. If you really like someone or want something.. tell them the truth. If you are interested with someone and they’re not interested in you… That’s okay, move on to the next! But if they’re interested in you… don’t play someone’s heart. Always be true 😉
Hope this was helpful!